perspective

Imagine for a minute that you're holding a small rock right up to your eye.  What do you see?  Are you focused on the rock, or can you see the view behind it? You could be surrounded by the most beautiful landscape, but all you can see right now is that rock.

Now hold the rock at arms length.  It isn't so big anymore, in fact, it fits nicely in the palm of your hand.  You are much bigger than the rock.  From this vantage point you can see clearly how it fits into the surrounding scenery.

After facing the obstacle and seeing it for what it is in proportion to everything else it doesn't seem so obtrusive.   Placing it back on the ground with the other stones it merely becomes part of the path.  Part of where you've been.  Without it you wouldn't get where you're going, but certainly you don't need to pick it up and take it with you.  Soon it will be far below blended in with other obstacles overcome and it will be a sweet reminder of the climb.

{images from my hike yesterday at Brighton Ski Resort.}

renewal

sundays are my favorite day of the week. A fresh start, new beginnings, and time to rest.
this picture reminds me of my dad's mom. I've been thinking about her lately. Her favorite color was orange. I like that I think of her whenever I see a certain shade of that happy color.
Both my grandma's are neat ladies. I watched my mom's mom today framed by spring sunshine laugh about something and it made me smile just being in her presence. I asked her if she had any 'dangly' earrings I could borrow and so we went on a quest through her little boxes stashed here and there full of her treasures. I like hanging with her.
family is good. life is good.

what it all adds up to

I didn't care that it was blustery and a bit on the cold side today. The sun was hitting the hills behind my house making them glow against the stormy clouds settling in and I had to get up there. Ever get that way? Just can't be inside one more minute. I have this favorite rock up the trail the perfect distance between close and far away. It's flat and white with the perfect vantage point. I've done a lot of thinking on that rock.

I love that it is almost spring. Almost a new season in so many ways for me.

There are a lot of 'almosts' in my life right now and I can't get enough of the feeling of almost. Its a fantastic twist to being incomplete. We always are in some way or another. It isn't a nagging or empty thing, there is an energy to it and it makes me feel like life will always have something waiting just out of view.


Happy new month and week to you.

and then there was change

the good news: I was asked to go back to Haiti after graduation.

the bad news: Not going to happen anymore. The project was called off.

I'm disappointed, but definitely not discouraged. When I was asked to go I was ecstatic. I could barely contain myself as I mentally started packing my bags. It was the best case scenario. Graduate, then take a month to figure out my next move while throwing myself into some good hard work.

I'm torn in so many directions it is hard to fathom ever getting everything to blend together into a cohesive plan. All I know is somehow there has to be a way for me to combine design/humanitarian aid bc I love both equally.


The video is from the World Report, fall 2009.

The picture above is from April 2009 when Carter was given the Person of the Day award for his dedication to helping his people succeed. Carter is my friend I mentioned before who is living on the streets in Haiti with his wife and two sons. He is in trouble because the 'bad guy thugs' know he has friends in America and have targeted him as someone to kidnap and ransom because of his connections. I second President Monson as he asks for our prayers for the peace and well being of the people in Haiti.

I can't even imagine Carter's reality right now. And my giants are CAD and waking up early for my business class. I think I need a reality check.

goals

I feel like my life is a waste land of excess. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. Very very grateful. I love my beautiful city, and shopping for clients, and learning at a school where I'm gaining so much more than a temporal education. But all of it is driving me crazy.

Lately I find myself pulling away from conversations to take in my clean surroundings void of rubble and garbage and thinking over and over, 'Why do I deserve this when a man I know is sleeping in the street with his family?'

While I think creating 'home' is very important, I'm having a hard time reconciling the differences between the consumer driven world I work in and what I feel is really important. The end result I feel we are all after with good design is the feeling of safety and belonging. A place to be with family and friends, sharing memories and growing together. It isn't about 'upping' the neighbors or spending $300 a yard upholstering a sofa.

The conclusion I've found is designing is my way of sharing what I find beautiful in the world around me. Creation is divine after all. Having this outlet can only lead to good things and I if I'm reaching for a way to do more I believe opportunity comes along.

The challenge: Visually map out goals for 1, 5, & 10 years from now so I can display them somewhere as a reminder. I loved digging around looking for images that represented my dreams.



1} Spiritual - a more personal relationship with my Savior
2} Intellectual - Finish out the ID program strong and keep on running. My 'books to read' list is gigantic. Paint more.
3} Financial - keep growing savings
4} Community - Involved in making my container dreams reality, or something akin to it. I'm ready for some inspiration in this area and will go with what feels right.
5} Career - continue building the right clientele. Decisions to be made about going it alone or staying with a firm for awhile longer..
6} Physical - taekwondo, yoga, climb something tall, camping/hiking much, much more
7} Social - grumblings... This feels least important to me even tho my friends are very important to me. The other things on my list are more appealing to me right now than doing the socially acceptable thing for someone my age right now.

{5 & 10 year goals will come later, this post is already a monster and my blogging time is up}

something is taking shape

My heart has been so full the last week or so as I've been able play relay between our fearless leader at Church Headquarters and the group of volunteers who served on the Comfort last summer. She has been sending info to pass along or requesting it. I've been emailing up a storm. It is a blessing to be working with these people again.
As you might have seen, the church {The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints} is sending supplies and doctors to Haiti. The Navy is working on getting NGO's {Non-Gov Organizations like LDS Charities} integrated into their game plan for their relief mission which is tentatively to be about 6 months long. The church has their regular database they use in situations like this to call on volunteers. Because of our team's experience already on the ship, we've been compiling a different spreadsheet for availability to go help. The response has been quick and enthusiastic. Everyone is willing to drop life and run.
My small part in organizing this gives all the other parts of my life new meaning, as corny as that sounds. I've been so focused on my capstone project for graduation and the full load at work right now and in the mix of all of that something is starting to take shape. As I've been defining who I am as a designer and finding my niche is in the design world, the love I feel for humanitarian aid reemphasizes what I've been thinking for awhile now: I have got to make both blend together somehow.

Design to me is so much more than making things beautiful.

Last night I had a dream that I was back on the Comfort, starboard side, watching for Haiti with everyone else on deck as we got closer to land. That's when the dream got weird {I love when that happens} and the boat listed to the starboard side to a degree where I was holding on to the railing dangling over the edge. My friend smiled at me, said something witty and let go dropping down into the sea. I could see him bobbing in the water and I held on for a moment longer with so much excitement thinking, FINALLY! I get to drop off the side!! Something I had wanted to do the whole time but it is strictly forbidden. Sharks and lawsuits and all that mumbo jumbo. I woke up right before I let go! Shoot. Maybe next time.
I'm not really in to interpreting dreams, but what the heck. I'm going to say this means that I should keep taking risks, don't hesitate, or I might wake up and never get to feel what it feels like to drop 4 stories into the ocean.

hard knox

my friends {with 4 degrees between the 2 of them} were teasing me that I've been uneducated up to this point in my life. This coming after I had shared my attempts at two other degrees before this one and never sticking with them. It wasn't for lack of trying, I've never been able to pretend to be interested in something unless I am and so my conclusion was working instead of throwing money at different colleges until I figured it out.

What I did instead: I've tried counting my jobs before and always forgot one or two... Let's start at the beginning:

1 - Biolabs - cleaning after hours with Jenny and Steven @ their family's urology/hematology lab.
2 - Ski-n-See as the youngest, and only girl at the Bntfl location with a Marker & Solomon Ski Tech certification for 3 yrs thru high school
3 - Dick's Bakery - decorating sugar cookies and 'accidentally' breaking one every now and again
4 - Eastman & Urban Modeling Agencies {we'll sum this up as one collective eye opening experience}
5 - Mediabang! extremely short lived PA stint, paid to hang out, run errands and shop for my boss's wardrobe.

{insert break in jobs while I attempted Fine Art at SVC on a scholarship I was too young to appreciate}

6 - St. George Car Wash - 2 wks in Jan 2000. COLD and dirty work while I waited for my job at the golf course to line up.
7 - Coral Canyon Golf Course - Player's Assistant
8 - St. George Ford - Service Secretary aka punching bag
9 - St. George Golf Course - about a minute there before I realized my error
10 - Debb - clothing retail, part time holiday work
11 - Traditions Home Decor - {the beginning of figuring it all out}
12 - RTO Engineering
13 - Coughlin Company
14 - English teacher at a private academy
15 - SK English - phone conversation {yes, really, paid to chat on the phone}
16 - English one on one tutor
17 - Token white girl in a slew of commercials and the all time coolest random job as tv host {w/my pretend German husband} for a travel show. I was a paid tourist, how cool is that?
18 - Traditions again at a new location and the birth of JMS Decorative Finishing {my killer -really, it killed me- faux painting side biz}
19 - Professional Installation Services - Travel/Administrative Assistant
20 - Design Assistant for that one guy who had a hang up with my hair
21 - Latter Day Bride - Bridal Consultan & the girliest job I've had and loved it by complete surprise
22 - Internship @ CCG Howells, office systems and commercial design
23 - NGO Team Leader aboard that great white ship I love so much
24 - Noble House - designer

so maybe my jobs haven't been glamorous, maybe I don't have a wall full of degrees, but I don't think I'd change it for the lessons learned the hard way. There are still so many pointless jobs I'd love to have and finding my 'career' has put a damper on my slacker ways. National park tour guide, skyscraper window-washer, professional dog walker, chef, story time reader...

timing resolve

I like having a whole new year stretched out full of the unknown.
I also like looking back at the year gone to see if it was at all like I thought it'd be. I might be guilty of looking back too much. I like picking at decisions, wondering about them now from this side of making them to see how I've shaped my future.

Last year is a perfect example of big decisions to pick apart. The start of the year I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and what was best for me. I quickly learned I was wrong and I thought I recognized something in me that felt too familiar like I was headed for some serious moping around and asking questions that couldn't be answered. I didn't like that idea so instead I found myself in a foreign world asking questions like 'What is a mustering and why do I have to do it at 7 am every morning?'

Taking a time out when I thought I should have been checking off my real life goals was a diversion I'm glad I took. And while I didn't check off the goals I thought I'd achieve last year I think the experiences and lessons learned couldn't have been done any other way. The part I wasn't expecting was by the end of my four months at sea I was even more lost and entering into one of the darkest chapters of my life to this point. I thought I was going to come home the super humanitarian ready to take on bigger things. Instead I came home hung up questioning the very things that make me who I am.

Not to say this darker time has been all terrible. I have reveled in the trials of the last few months. I'm appreciating the light in my life in a way I never have before.

Timing has been one of the biggest challenges I have faced this year. It feels like I'm off on just about everything that matters. I've realized things too late and I've felt stuck in an endless trial that I can't see the results of just yet. I know timing is essential and I know I'll love the perspective it brings in the end.

So now as a lump sum, 2009 was a year that started out with a plan of my own and in the end I was reminded again that my plans are farsighted and I should let the real planning master take lead on organizing my life.

My biggest resolutions for 2010 revolve around that simple lesson learned from last year. That, and I'd like to take on Tae Kwon Do again, climb something tall and see some places I've never seen before but those will all come with time too, I'm sure.

so there I was

I was studying for my historical furnishings final last night when I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. The stranger sending it let me know that a friend's friend had said he needed to meet me. An interesting diversion to Queen Anne and Duncan Phyfe so we chatted via text while I went over my notes.

This lead to becoming friends on facebook so we could check out each others profiles { step to the dating scene some of you may not be familiar with}. Texting turned into a little chatting online about the friends we have in common and the photos featured on our home pages. I was concentrating on my reading when I realized it had been awhile since I'd gotten a message. Maybe he just got busy too. But not a peep since.

No harm, no foul. I don't know this person and don't feel the need to take it personally. {Besides, he could be stuck in an elevator somewhere.} I shared the story with the folks tonight as we chatted on the phone and we all got a good laugh over it. My social life is entertaining if anything. This kind of abrupt end to online conversation is pretty common. I wouldn't think twice about it if it was someone I knew. While it is a far stretch from the kind of first meeting anyone would rave over, it was still technically meeting for the first time.. Would you consider it good etiquette to just up and disappear?

The crazy side effect is analysis of the lamest things. The guy has over a thousand facebook friends. I have a fraction of that. Am I considered a social misfit? Should I become friends with every person I have ever bumped in to just to up my online popularity or should I keep it to just those people I really would consider my friend? I've been tagged in less than stellar pictures online but I like them because there are fun memories attached. Should I untag myself so as not to be judged by them?

So there I was enjoying my sunday evening when a stranger comes along saying we should meet. Somewhere between meaningless texts and checking out photos I found myself a little off balance and second guessing myself. What is that?

the shack book

I just finished reading The Shack by William P. Young. {I feel like I'm on Reading Rainbow right now giving a book report.}

It was a surprisingly uplifting read. While I don't consider it to be doctrine, and some of the views of the author go against what I've believe to be true, I did think it was an interesting book about our relationship with divinity.

Mack, the main character in the book was invited to spend a weekend in the presence of God so he could confront the pain in his life that wasn't allowing him to really live. At one point he was given the opportunity to see the world as God sees it. Everything from laughing bears and soaring birds to children each had their own unique colors that identified the details of their soul. No two were the same. I loved this visual description of individuality.

As I said before, I didn't take this book literally. It doesn't change what I believe in. It did give me a chance to look at something I thought I understood from a different perspective. My own relationship with my Savior. Reading about Mack's struggle to forgive and to find a relationship with his Savior was refreshing. I enjoyed the symbolism as he worked in a beautiful, overgrown garden {his soul} with the Spirit clearing openings for forgiveness and new growth.

So how was it that they finished those book reports on that show? "I really enjoyed this book, you should check it out at your local library." Really. I would love to hear what you think if you do read it.